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Sunday, April 5th, 2009
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8:20 pm - hmm
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i just found out something that i'm not supposed to know.
and its a good secret, its just bad that i know it. or at least, i think i know it.
blah. curiosity killed the cat.
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, March 9th, 2009
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11:04 pm - well hello
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| Tuesday, May 29th, 2007
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12:50 am
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there are cherry pits on my desk top.
would you like to asphixiate on one?
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, May 20th, 2007
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3:10 pm - waiting for a passing feeling
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i was dreaming i was drowning.
waking suddenly, i opened my eyes, straining to focus using the weird lighting i keep on at night now. i can't sleep well with the lights on, but i can't sleep at all in the darkness. its a guilt issue.
in all my straining, i didn't notice i was holding my breath until i choked out a gasp. my hand, it appeared, was covered with blood. i had a weird flooding sensation in my nose, and sniffed.
blood in my throat now.
slowly coming to my senses, i looked at my pillow, on which there was a small pool of blood where my face had been. i rubbed my nose, feeling it dripping now, and it finally dawned on my sonorous mind that it was just a nosebleed.
random, but not deadly.
i got out of bed, a little dizzy, and stumbled out of my room and down the hall to the bathroom, where i washed my hands under the bright lights, squinting like a mole in the sun. the water was very cold.
i snagged one of the rough, brown paper towels from the dispenser, wet it with the cold water, and wiped gently around my nose. taking a few sips of water, i sloshed it around a bit, and spit something like pink water back into the sink.
eyes half- closed, i walked back to my room, head titled foward, pinching the bridge of my nose. i retrieved a cottonball from my desk drawer, jammed it up my right nostril, and climbed back into bed. i rearranged the pillows so that i was more sitting upright than lying down, and threw the bloody pillow on the floor. "I'll worry about that in the morning."
It was already 3am.
Sleep did not return until about 7am.
I slept until about 10am.
I awoke, waiting for a passing feeling.
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, May 19th, 2007
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9:56 pm - uniform
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so.
i've made the very grown up decision to live on campus this summer to work and live, essentially, alone. i wanted to do this primarily because i knew that letting go of natalie would be hard for me, and i didn't want to be just idle and depressed at home, working at the mall or something lame like that. also, i'm growing weary of home life. i'm not doing the whole "i'm 21 and need no one" deal. thats a lie. i am, however, doing the "im tired of being home" deal.
i have a few fears for the summer. one is that i'll turn into some frederick version of emo- pop and start wear skinny jeans. the other is that i'll cut my hair shorter. the third, and possibly most important, is that i'll turn into some pill- popping short haired emo pop kid, sleeping and flying high as a kite whenever i'm not working-- or even better, when i am.
i'm going to try and write something this summer. pray for me? hopefully that will keep me focused. natalie and i are striving to have a "written letter" long distance relationship. she is quite a new chapter.
ok ok. enough said.
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, May 18th, 2007
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11:19 pm - hm.
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| Monday, May 7th, 2007
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4:51 am - and i love her.
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she's graduating.
and i love her.
she's angry that i never mention her here.
i didn't have an answer.
she is my needle in the hay...
i wish she wasn't leaving.
so begins the countdown to 38. am i a train wreck?
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(comment on this)
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12:46 am - Needle in the Hay
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His face is soft; his lips softer. He asks me to dance after he takes my breath away. I look into his eyes—muffled blue under clouds of doubt and vodka. His hands are cold and his fingertips suggest that he means urgency in his words. I tell him, I want to kiss again. He laughs hollowly. I look down at his feet, big in their loafers. I am barefoot. We should get inside, you will freeze, he calmly replies. Keep me warm, I whisper. He can’t hear me; asks me to repeat. It was just the stars talking, I reply. I don’t want to dance, I want to sing. I want to scream. Give me a cigarette, I’m not going in yet, I say, biting my nails. That is a filthy habit, he responds. Our hands brush at the foreign exchange. I know of other filthy habits, I respond.
He blinks at me, blonde beauty of privilege and privacy, presupposing my position in this panoptic prison. I pretend to believe he is listening, lovingly limping past the lascivious lingering numbness of lust and languid lies. I scrunch my nose in distaste for the sweet melon maybes he offers more often, mobilizing my mouth into mystifying make- out sessions, morbid and menacing milkshake dates, mustering the macabre courage to mabble me.
He is the needle in my haystack that keeps pricking.
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, March 8th, 2007
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1:42 am - lately
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i keep getting these insane urges to call you, but i don't know your number.
i keep getting these crazy notions to write you, but i don't know where you live.
(also, i'm sure you don't want to hear from me. i'm caving. by god, im actually caving).
dammit.
i miss you so fucking much.
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, March 7th, 2007
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7:10 pm - hmm
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| Sunday, February 4th, 2007
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4:49 pm - hmm
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so.
I attended mass today with my friend, Amanda.
It is the first time I have been to mass in years.
It is a wonder I still know when to kneel, stand, and pray.
It is even more a wonder that I was not struck down at the door.
I need to think about this.
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, December 18th, 2006
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7:39 am - i can't take my eyes off of you
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| Thursday, December 14th, 2006
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6:38 am - Oh BlogThings
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| How You Are In Love | 
You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.
You tend to give more than take in relationships.
You need your space and privacy. You don't like to be smothered.
You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.
You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard. |
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Friday, December 8th, 2006
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2:10 pm - You Do Not Read My Livejournal
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I'm writing to you here, but only because you do not read my livejournal. You do not read it and I do not read yours. I understand that there is nothing there that I could hope to know that I wouldn't want to hear from your lips, themselves. I understand that you do not love me, do not miss me, do not want to write to me from places far away or think of me underneath moons at night with friends who listen to your ranting about your mistakes, your regrets, your unhappiness sometimes with the direction life has turned. You do not wonder whether or not you will receive any correspondence from me, whether or not I am doing well, even. You do not wonder how I am getting home for Christmas or what I am doing there, if there are any neat African traditions I take part in. You do not wonder at, you do not ponder upon.
But I know you think of her.
So do I. I wonder if she loves me, or only what I can do for her. I wonder if she cares about me or if I was just eventually the easier option. I wonder if I am her consolation prize. She misses you.
You do not miss me.
I wonder truly if I miss you, or I just resent the fact that you do not miss me... Or, better still, if I resent the fact that you miss her and she misses you too...
You two would make a cute couple, you know.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, December 5th, 2006
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8:16 pm - i'm hiding.
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I could stand teetering at the very edge
Simply overhanging into and over everything
My eyes rapidly realizing, like REM sleep
That this is just another dream
I can fall and wake before I splash
Crash
Dash
I can wake
But I’ve made my bed, and I watch it grow cold
I am not asleep
But this is a dream
I must lie in the bed I have made for myself
I must lie in the bed I have made with myself
I must lie
For the bed I have made in myself
Lay on me in me with me
Beside me
But never beneath me
Only I am beneath me
I watch myself from above me
Floating, pretending to fly
And I am beneath me
Feeling the truth
That this is a dream
And I am falling
But I’ve made my bed
And I cannot wake now
I hear there is a song
That could stir me if I let it
Play it now, for me
That I might awake before the splash
Crash
Dash
Strum it for me, that I may awake.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, November 6th, 2006
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7:15 pm - The Bridge Poem by Kate Rushin
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I’ve had enough
I’m sick of seeing and touching
Both sides of things
Sick of being the damn bridge for everybody
Nobody
Can talk to anybody
Without me
Right?
I explain my mother to my father
my father to my little sister
My little sister to my brother
my brother to the white feminists
The white feminists to the Black church folks
the Black church folks to the ex-hippies
the ex-hippies to the Black separatists
the Black separatists to the artists
the artists to my friends’ parents…
Then
I’ve got to explain myself
To everybody
I do more translating
Than the Gawdamn U.N.
Forget it
I’m sick of it.
I’m sick of filling in your gaps
Sick of being your insurance against
the isolation of your self-imposed limitations
Sick of being the crazy at your holiday dinners
Sick of being the odd one at your Sunday Brunches
Sick of being the sole Black friend to 34 individual white people
Find another connection to the rest of the world
Find something else to make you legitimate
Find some other way to be political and hip
I will not be the bridge to your womanhood
Your manhood
Your humanness
I’m sick of reminding you not to
Close off too tight for too long
I’m sick of mediating with your worst self
On behalf of your better selves
I am sick
Of having to remind you
To breathe
Before you suffocate
Your own fool self
Forget it
Stretch or drown
Evolve or die
The bridge I must be
Is the bridge to my own power
I must translate
My own fears
Mediate
My own weaknesses
I must be the bridge to nowhere
But my true self
And then
I will be useful
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, November 2nd, 2006
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5:06 am - you can't resist her...she's in your mind
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sometimes, even though we have our troubles and i know that i ought to just say no some nights, to just go to bed, and lie awake alone, i am weak and i say yes yes yes come over right now i'm so sad and lonely and i just want to be held and i want you to rub the soft part of my skin under my chin but not quite my neck and call me Bobbie in your sleepy voice, my secret name that i've let you borrow until you're ready to get rid of me in which case it will be Elizabeth all over again and I want to say that its not a power struggle, but i was being honest before-- its only the case that there is no power struggle because you've already won, remember VINTO, i remember, ho capito, i understand as well, i understand that i just will never be enough for you. the she's and her's and herself's will follow YOU, as will I, apparently.
only in dreams.
only in dreams.
only in dreams.
only in dreams.
only in dreams.
only in dreams.
only in dreams, people.
so what does a person who never sleeps do at this point, again?
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, November 1st, 2006
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1:31 am - Just What I Need, But Where Do I Begin?
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elisabethr44 (8:22:48 PM): do you know the beatles song hey jude?
elisabethr44 (8:23:31 PM): i like it because it is really earnest in the way the lyrics were written (by paul to john) and the way they are delivered
LizzyBgood651 (8:23:34 PM): yes...... i love it so much. its a pretty big stephen king thing
elisabethr44 (8:24:00 PM): really
LizzyBgood651 (8:24:15 PM): yes. its mentioned purposely in almost everyone of his books
LizzyBgood651 (8:24:30 PM): randomly playing somewhere on a streetcorner or in a car
elisabethr44 (8:24:34 PM): well i think it is an amazing work of art from a really painful time in the artist's life
elisabethr44 (8:24:40 PM): anyway
elisabethr44 (8:24:53 PM): i think it is a song everyone needs to hear sometimes
elisabethr44 (8:24:55 PM): i mean
elisabethr44 (8:25:02 PM): there is this line
elisabethr44 (8:25:29 PM): "dont you know that its just you? hey jude, you'll do. the movement you need is on your shoulder"
elisabethr44 (8:25:43 PM): isnt that amazing?
elisabethr44 (8:25:57 PM): its kind of what i say to myself when i am scared
LizzyBgood651 (8:26:04 PM): yes, it truly is
elisabethr44 (8:26:08 PM): but it works for any emotion
elisabethr44 (8:26:21 PM): so listen (read) carefully here
elisabethr44 (8:26:32 PM): she only loves you. its just you. you'll do.
elisabethr44 (8:27:35 PM): "its a fool who plays it cool by making his world a little colder. so let it out and let it in."
elisabethr44 (8:28:03 PM): thats how you need to love
elisabethr44 (8:28:08 PM): let it out and let it in
elisabethr44 (8:28:10 PM): love
elisabethr44 (8:28:12 PM): trust
elisabethr44 (8:28:14 PM): affection
elisabethr44 (8:28:16 PM): respect
elisabethr44 (8:28:24 PM): anger, happiness
elisabethr44 (8:28:26 PM): anything
elisabethr44 (8:29:43 PM): does that make sense?
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, October 23rd, 2006
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12:43 am - Supermassive Black Holes by Muse
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Ooh baby, don't you know I suffer
Ooh baby, can you hear me moan?
You caught me under false pretences
How long before you let me go?
Ooh, you set my soul alight
Ooh, you set my soul alight
Glaciers melting in the dead of night
And the superstar sucked into the supermassive
Glaciers melting in the dead of night
And the superstar sucked into...
[Into the supermassive]
I thought I was a fool for no-one
Ooh baby, I'm a fool for you
You're the queen of the superficial
How long before you tell the truth?
Ooh, you set my soul alight
Ooh, you set my soul alight
Glaciers melting in the dead of night
And the superstar sucked into the supermassive
Glaciers melting in the dead of night
And the superstar sucked into...
[Into the supermassive]
current mood:  artistic
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, October 18th, 2006
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10:13 pm - funny
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i scrolled thru my phonebook on my cell phone just a few minutes ago and realized that there was no one listed that i could actually call.
for help.
its just not as easy as we think, folks.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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lizzybbad's journal
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